“It’s always better when we’re together.”, sings Jack Johnson
Is that what you believe about your marriage?
Marriage is a true partnership – partners in life. It has been said that if two partners always agree then someone is redundant. That is the sentiment in business, and I think it is somewhat true in marriage too. We don’t always agree in marriage, and that’s a good thing.
We are better together.
We are better together because we complement each other. My wife’s strengths are my weaknesses. My strengths are her weaknesses. I need her perspective, she needs mine.
We all know that opposites attract. That is certainly the case in our marriage. Anne and I seem to be opposites in so many areas. We now synergize – the whole is greater than the sum of the parts. However, it wasn’t always that way…
In the early years I used to think anyone who disagreed with me was wrong, and then I would do my best to convince whoever disagreed with me that they needed to change. Sadly this was most pronounced in our marriage. If Anne disagreed with me she must be wrong. She needed to change. She needed to become more like me.
She wasn’t bold enough, she wasn’t social enough, she wasn’t brave enough, she wasn’t…enough like me. She was too quiet, too introverted, too analytical, too planned, too safe…too different from me. Something needed to change.
That something was me.
We were not true partners. I was the ‘majority’ partner and Anne was here to do what I wanted. She did not have an equal voice. We were total opposites and she needed to change to be like me – that was clearly the error in my thinking.
The Lord had mercy on Anne, and on me, by not-so-gently helping me to realize how wrong I was. “Wrong” can also be substituted with “arrogant”, “selfish”, “self-centered”, “sinful”, “stubborn” and “idiotic”. I was an idiot.
You see, one of the key roles of a husband is to be a “partner” to his wife. A true partner.
True partnerships are founded on mutual respect. True partners respect each other for who they are and the differences they bring. I needed to see Anne, not as being totally opposite to me, but perfectly complementary. I need her perspective. I need the balance she brings to me. And, strangely enough, she needs my perspective and the balance I bring to her.
Anne now jokingly describes our relationship in this way: She is the brake and I am the gas pedal.
Would you like to drive a car with no brakes? I have done it, believe me, it’s no fun! A car with no brakes crashes. Would you like to drive a car with no gas pedal? You can’t, it won’t go anywhere. A car is only useful if it has a gas pedal and brakes. The two complement each other. They can be seen as being in opposition to each other, or being complementary. We all know that we need them both to get anywhere worthwhile.
Likewise in marriage, a great partnership is built on mutual respect. What is seen as opposition, when viewed through the lens of mutual respect, can be seen as complementary. We need each other.
I now recognize how incredibly unbalanced I would be without Anne. I recognize what an incredible gift her ‘difference’ is to me. I need her God-given ‘brakes’ so I don’t crash. Thankfully she loved me enough and trusted God enough to see me through my journey out of independence into interdependence.
The reality is, unless we are partnering with our wives in life we will not apprehend all that for which God apprehended us. Together we become one in Him in a fashion that enables us to love Him, love each other and love others in a way that is impossible if we were not partners in life and love.
Men, your wife is not here to serve you. You are actually called to lay down your life for her. We are called together to become one in Jesus: to partner together in the adventure of journeying with Him in life and love.
We are definitely better together.
Genesis 2:24
“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.”
Ephesians 5:25 (The Message)
“Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church – a love marked by giving, not getting.”
Ephesians 5:21
“Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.”