Do you avoid conflict?  Do you create it?

We all handle conflict a little differently.  Some of us try to avoid it at all costs.  Some of us make a habit of it.  Some of us work through conflict.

Do you think that an absence of conflict is a sign of a good relationship?  Many of us do.  If we don’t have any conflict then we must have a good relationship – right?  Well, I really don’t think so.

I recently spent some time with an international management consultant who uses a very interesting litmus test for the health of a business.  He is often sent in to assess the value of a company that his client wants to acquire.  This is one of the key assessments he uses to make a recommendation in regard to whether or not his client should buy the company:

Does their leadership team know how to work through conflict?

The reality is, people in close relationships will not always agree.  We will disagree.  Not only will we disagree, but we will have conflict on occasion.  Because we are flawed, we will do and say things that hurt each other.

The question becomes, how will we deal with the conflict?

When in conflict we have 3 choices:  Attack, Avoid or Attend to the issue.

I have the capacity to engage in all 3 options, but my primal reaction is to avoid and attack.  However, I do it in a very unique way.  I can fall back into a core lie I first believed decades ago.  I am free from it, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have to keep battling it when I am in conflict.

So, when someone hurts me I am tempted to disengage and believe the lie that, “I don’t need you”.  I can respond with, “Fine, I don’t need you anyway” and withdraw from the relationship.   No, I’m not angry, I’m not resentful – I just don’t need you.  We’re done.

It’s avoidance and a passive attack.  It’s a horrible conflict coping mechanism I have to deal with when someone hurts me.

I am tempted to do this with both friends and family.  It’s terrible.  But more than that, it’s sinful.  It’s also cowardly.  You hurt me, fine – I don’t need you anyway.  I can shut people out.  This sinful coping mechanism will keep me isolated and alone, never getting close to anyone.

My life will be devoid of close relationships if I don’t choose to attend to the issue and believe the Truth not the lies, receive the grace of God and extend it to others, forgive, and then courageously have the conversation that needs to be had.  Avoiding and attacking will not solve anything.

I am somehow wired to feel things deeply, so when people hurt me I feel it.  I wish I didn’t feel things as deeply as I do, but that’s who I am.  I have a tendency to be overly sensitive and let things impact me in a way they don’t perhaps need to.  And, it takes work for me to extend grace and believe the best about people.

I can’t really change my sensitivity, but I can change how I react to being hurt.

I have to choose not to avoid the conflict.  I have to choose grace toward those who hurt me, I have to choose forgiveness, I have to choose not to believe the lie that I don’t need anyone, and I need to choose to work through it, to have the conversation.

We cannot avoid being hurt, we cannot avoid conflict, but we can choose how we respond to it.  We can choose to courageously have the conversation that needs to be had and extend grace and forgiveness to others.  We can also choose to humbly own and apologize for our hurtful actions and sinful choices.

We can learn to choose not to attack, and not to avoid, but to be courageous enough to attend to the situation and work through the hurt to resolve the conflict and the relationship.

So, are you aware of how you handle conflict?  What will you choose: Avoid, Attack or Attend to the issue?

Colossians 3:12-14

“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.”

Proverbs 10:12

“Hatred stirs up conflict, but love covers over all wrongs.”

Ephesians 4:26, 27, 32

“’In your anger do not sin’: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.  Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”

The sound was like a 2×4 breaking in two. It reverberated across the entire soccer pitch commanding the attention of players and spectators alike. The game came to an abrupt halt.

I lay on the ground writhing in pain aghast at what my leg looked like. My right lower leg was bent at a right angle. My tibia was completely snapped in half and my fibula was snapped into thirds by two breaks. Three clean breaks meant that my lower shin and foot flopped around like a rag doll as I rolled around on the ground in agony.

When I hit the ground I clearly heard the Lord say to me, “I did this. I’m with you.”

It was third year university and I was playing soccer. It’s tough to say what really happened other than it appears when I attempted to clear the ball out of our zone an opposing player put his foot on the other side of the ball. All the force of my kick went back into my leg and it shattered.

The break was so violent it nearly severed the nerve to my foot. The broken bones along with the nervous damage made for some intense pain. The bones were very unstable and had to be set three times. My leg was casted for 2 months when we discovered it was healing crooked.

The orthopedic surgeon then rebroke my leg, took a bone graft from my hip, and bolted a surgical steel plate up the length of my shin. The plate was left in for 2 years then taken out. I had to stay off it for another year. In all the process took about 3 years. My leg works great now though.

The most painful part of the ordeal ended up not being the breaks, it was the nervous damage caused by the breaks. Have you ever really smacked your funny bone and experienced the intense nervous pain in your hand and arm? That was what my foot felt like.

It was very tough.

In the midst of the pain and discomfort I remember crying out to the Lord that I didn’t want to miss what He wanted to say to me and do in my life. He told me to calm down and know that I couldn’t miss what He was doing as long as I Ieaned into Him and rested in Him.

He had invited me into a hardship that was an opportunity to grow in Him; to know Him in new ways. He did something in my heart that could not have happened any other way. He was tenderizing my heart and teaching me to trust in Him and not in my own strength.

I had a choice: would I see this solely as a hardship, or would I see it as an opportunity to know Him?

I believe this is one of life’s key choices: will we see difficulties, trouble, sorrow, loss, sickness, and pain simply as hardship we want to get out of, or will we see it as opportunity to know the Lord?

Do we ask the Lord to get us out, or do we ask the Lord to help us find Him in it?

Anne has a very close friend who for decades has suffered through a life threatening sickness that has caused her much pain, discomfort and inconvenience – exceedingly more difficult than my simple broken leg. Has she sought healing? Yes. However, the Lord has not healed her yet. Is she bitter and angry in her hardship? No. She has discovered Jesus in the midst of it.

She has transitioned from hardship to opportunity. She is a powerful testimony to a heart yielded to God, walking in the intimacy of His grace in the midst of the pain.

Are you facing an emotional, spiritual, or physical hardship? Are you getting lost in anger or resentment, or hopelessness, or sadness? I would encourage you to shift your perspective to see this as an opportunity to discover Jesus and His grace and love.

It is oftentimes in the midst of our deepest hardship where we discover the sweetest intimacy with Jesus. Hardship is our opportunity to know Him.

Romans 8:28

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

Romans 8:38, 39

“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,

neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,

neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

Romans 8:17

“Now if we are children, then we are heirs-heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.”

Shag carpets.  Do you remember them?  We had them throughout our house when I was growing up.  We had red shag carpet in the family room, with white furniture.

Have ever raked carpets?  One of my jobs was to rake the rugs.  We had a specific shag rake for the job.  The shag was so long I would rake the strands of carpet like I was combing hair.  It seems crazy now, but back then it was the thing to do.

Sadly, what was typically under the carpets was beautiful hardwood floors.  In the 70’s everyone seemed to be putting wall-to-wall carpeting over their hardwood floors.  Crazy.

I wouldn’t doubt if this was the beginning of the golden age of vacuums.  Vacuum sales was big business: Kirby, Hoover, Electrolux, and Bissel were some of the big brands.  We had a Kirby.  It was a very heavy vacuum for a skinny 89 pound 13 year old.  I got very adept at using my foot to assist my arm in pushing it forward.

Once a week every Thursday night I had to vacuum the carpets.  Man could that Kirby suck.  Anything that got remotely close to the intake would be sucked up into the bag never to be seen again…

It was around this time I got introduced to the term “a God-shaped vacuum”.  This was a common term used in 70’s evangelizing to describe the inherent desire in all of mankind to know God.  We have been created by God with a void that only He can fill.  We try to fill this void with the things of this world, but nothing satisfies – only God Himself can satisfy.

The term “a God-shaped vacuum” is widely attributed to Blaise Pascal, the famous mathematician.   However, he never said it.  I think the term is a brilliant wordsmithing of this section of his book entitled “Pensees”:

“What else does this craving, and this helplessness, proclaim but that there was once in man a true happiness, of which all that now remains is the empty print and trace?  This he tries in vain to fill with everything around him, seeking in things that are not there the help he cannot find in those that are, though none can help, since this infinite abyss can be filled only with an infinite and immutable object; in other words by God himself”

“This infinite abyss can be filled only with…God Himself.”

Every man, every woman has been created to be in relationship with God, our Creator, our Father.  We have been hard-wired to know Him.  The essence of who we are will always be incomplete without Him.  The very purpose of our creation is to be in relationship with God, so it is no wonder we feel less than whole, we feel incomplete, we feel empty, we feel a void if we are not in relationship with Him.

Pascal described this incompleteness as a craving; a helplessness; an infinite abyss; an empty print or trace of the true happiness we once had before sin created a chasm, a schism between mankind and God.  Would it not make sense that creation would feel hopelessly incomplete without relationship with the Creator?

I believe the God-shaped vacuum in each of us never stops desiring God.  Certainly when we are born again we become a new creation by the profound work of the Holy Spirit – our dry and thirsty soul is overwhelmed by the love of God.  We come alive in a way have never been before.

However, I believe we continue to crave more of God.  We hunger and thirst for more of Him, and we always will this side of heaven.  When we choose to walk independently apart from God and do not feed on His Word and drink deeply of His life and love, we feel the depth of our being longing for more of the infinite.  Nothing but God Himself can satisfy.

Do you look for life in the things of this world?  Has success, or stuff, or sex, or innumerable other stimulants caught your heart?  There is a God-shaped vacuum inside of you that refuses to be filled by nothing but God Himself.

Psalm 63:1

“You, God, are my God, earnestly I seek you; I thirst for you, my whole being longs for you, in a dry and parched land where there is no water.”

Ephesians 2:13

“But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near by the blood of Christ.”

Romans 6:22, 23  (The Message)

“But now that you’ve found you don’t have to listen to sin tell you what to do, and have discovered the delight of listening to God telling you, what a surprise! A whole, healed, put-together life right now, with more and more of life on the way! Work hard for sin your whole life and your pension is death. But God’s gift is real life, eternal life, delivered by Jesus, our Master.”

John 15:5-7  (The Message)

“I am the Vine, you are the branches. When you’re joined with me and I with you, the relation intimate and organic, the harvest is sure to be abundant. Separated, you can’t produce a thing. Anyone who separates from me is deadwood, gathered up and thrown on the bonfire. But if you make yourselves at home with me and my words are at home in you, you can be sure that whatever you ask will be listened to and acted upon.”

Ahhh yes, nothing to do but relax.  Take it easy, kick back, and do nothing…

We had booked some time away in March at a very cool and quaint resort on Vancouver Island called Yellow Point Lodge.  Anne’s family has had a special connection with this property for 3 generations.  Anne loves the fact that this extraordinary place is steeped in family history.

We rented one of their little cabins nestled amidst the arbutus trees on a cliff over-looking the ocean.  When I say “little” I mean a tiny bathroom, couch and comfy chair, bed and wood stove and that’s it.  Perfect for doing nothing but reading, writing and napping.  Which Anne was quite pleased with, but me, I don’t do well with “nothing”.

How do you “do” nothing?

On rainy days we sat inside drinking in the glorious display of God’s creation right outside our front window, as we warmed ourselves in the slightly smoky heat of the wood stove.  On sunny says we explored the vast property walking its nature trails meandering throughout the immense temperate West Coast rain forest.  We also strolled along the amazingly sculpted sandstone shoreline, and brilliantly white crushed shell beaches that rim the oceanside of the property.

On one sunny afternoon I wandered out to a lunarscape-esque sandstone point around the bay from our cabin.  I sat there relaxing as best I could, simply gazing out at the ocean and the gulf islands archipelago east of the property, while trying to still myself to listen to the Lord.

All the while I say gazing and stilling myself it felt like my inner engine was idling at high RPMs.  I was itching to move, to explore, to discover, to move on – to “do”.  I had to fight the urge to move on.  Yes, I wanted to be still and listen to the Lord, to commune silently with Him, but it was proving to be more difficult than I thought.

I was about to move one when I felt the Lord simply whisper,

“Linger longer.”

Ok, I can do that.  So I stayed and asked the Lord what He wanted to say to me.  “What do you want to show me Lord?”  I gazed out to sea secretly hoping the Lord might put on an amazing killer whale show of some kind.

Nope. Nothing special…

Well, nothing special except, of course, for the spectacularly glorious beauty of God’s West Coast creation, the awesome nature of the sun’s rays that were warming my skin and the fact that I am beloved by my Heavenly Father who made all this to demonstrate His love and incredible power and creativity.  Not to mention what Jesus has done to adopt me into the family of God and set me free to experience the life, freedom, hope, love and relationship I was created for before mankind fell into the bondage of sin and death.

No, nothing too special about this little time with my Father amidst His creation.

Are you kidding me?!  The whole scenario is awesome and amazing if only I have the eyes to see it.  I need to learn to “gaze” deeper into what surrounds me.  I think the more we look, the more we will see.  I think the more we learn gaze into the glory of God, the more we will discover Him.

If we will choose to Linger Longer we will deepen our relationship with God.  I am learning to remind myself to Linger Longer when I find myself wanting to move on to some sort of activity when I have chosen to stop and be still.

Why Linger Longer?  Am I hoping God will do something amazing to transform my life into the next stage of awesome?  Or, am I simply hoping to somehow connect with my Father in a holy moment, to somehow gaze on the beauty of the Lord – to seek Him.

“Turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in His wonderful face, and the things of earth will grow strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace.”

May we be men, like King David, who know how to Linger Longer and gaze on the beauty of the Lord.

Psalm 27:4, 8

“One thing I ask from the Lord, this only do I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze on the beauty of the Lord and to seek him in his temple.  My heart says of you, ‘Seek his face!’ Your face, Lord, I will seek.”

Psalm 84:10

“Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere; I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of the wicked.”

Psalm 63:1

“You, God, are my God, earnestly I seek you; I thirst for you, my whole being longs for you, in a dry and parched land where there is no water.”