Do you avoid conflict? Do you create it?
We all handle conflict a little differently. Some of us try to avoid it at all costs. Some of us make a habit of it. Some of us work through conflict.
Do you think that an absence of conflict is a sign of a good relationship? Many of us do. If we don’t have any conflict then we must have a good relationship – right? Well, I really don’t think so.
I recently spent some time with an international management consultant who uses a very interesting litmus test for the health of a business. He is often sent in to assess the value of a company that his client wants to acquire. This is one of the key assessments he uses to make a recommendation in regard to whether or not his client should buy the company:
Does their leadership team know how to work through conflict?
The reality is, people in close relationships will not always agree. We will disagree. Not only will we disagree, but we will have conflict on occasion. Because we are flawed, we will do and say things that hurt each other.
The question becomes, how will we deal with the conflict?
When in conflict we have 3 choices: Attack, Avoid or Attend to the issue.
I have the capacity to engage in all 3 options, but my primal reaction is to avoid and attack. However, I do it in a very unique way. I can fall back into a core lie I first believed decades ago. I am free from it, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have to keep battling it when I am in conflict.
So, when someone hurts me I am tempted to disengage and believe the lie that, “I don’t need you”. I can respond with, “Fine, I don’t need you anyway” and withdraw from the relationship. No, I’m not angry, I’m not resentful – I just don’t need you. We’re done.
It’s avoidance and a passive attack. It’s a horrible conflict coping mechanism I have to deal with when someone hurts me.
I am tempted to do this with both friends and family. It’s terrible. But more than that, it’s sinful. It’s also cowardly. You hurt me, fine – I don’t need you anyway. I can shut people out. This sinful coping mechanism will keep me isolated and alone, never getting close to anyone.
My life will be devoid of close relationships if I don’t choose to attend to the issue and believe the Truth not the lies, receive the grace of God and extend it to others, forgive, and then courageously have the conversation that needs to be had. Avoiding and attacking will not solve anything.
I am somehow wired to feel things deeply, so when people hurt me I feel it. I wish I didn’t feel things as deeply as I do, but that’s who I am. I have a tendency to be overly sensitive and let things impact me in a way they don’t perhaps need to. And, it takes work for me to extend grace and believe the best about people.
I can’t really change my sensitivity, but I can change how I react to being hurt.
I have to choose not to avoid the conflict. I have to choose grace toward those who hurt me, I have to choose forgiveness, I have to choose not to believe the lie that I don’t need anyone, and I need to choose to work through it, to have the conversation.
We cannot avoid being hurt, we cannot avoid conflict, but we can choose how we respond to it. We can choose to courageously have the conversation that needs to be had and extend grace and forgiveness to others. We can also choose to humbly own and apologize for our hurtful actions and sinful choices.
We can learn to choose not to attack, and not to avoid, but to be courageous enough to attend to the situation and work through the hurt to resolve the conflict and the relationship.
So, are you aware of how you handle conflict? What will you choose: Avoid, Attack or Attend to the issue?
Colossians 3:12-14
“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.”
Proverbs 10:12
“Hatred stirs up conflict, but love covers over all wrongs.”
Ephesians 4:26, 27, 32
“’In your anger do not sin’: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”