“Hey Dave, can I talk to you for a minute?”, he inquired.
“Sure, what’s up?”, I replied.
He led me to a private office and motioned for me to enter in. He closed the door behind us. A sense of dreadful bewilderment began to overtake me…
“There’s something I’ve wanted to talk to you about for a while…”, he then began to explain how I had offended him.
It was 1985, Anne and I had been married for 1 month and we were now spending our first year of marriage living communally at Bible School. We had our own room, but we shared a bathroom with 3 other couples. All our meals we taken in a dining hall where we sat at long tables of 12 people on benches.
There were singles, newlyweds, and families with children ranging in age from new born to teenagers. There were lots of children or all ages, but there seemed to be a particularly large number of pre-school aged children. And, many of the students were from England.
I discovered that even though we share a common language and heritage, Canadians and the British are fairly different. We were a unique mix of ages, nationalities, personalities, and every other variety of human difference and distinction. In many ways we were a pressure cooker where it was inevitable things were going to start heating up and popping.
Apparently my new found English friend did not like the way I was enthusiastically asking questions in class. His primary “offense” was simply that I asked too many questions. I should be quiet in class.
Hey, I was excited to be at Bible School and I was eager to learn, so I have no doubt I asked a few questions to learn as much as I could. When I don’t understand something I make sure I get clarification.
So my English classmate unloaded his frustration on me, stated that he realized he shouldn’t be offended with me, apologized and then simply said, “Ok?”.
No, not ok! Now I have a problem with you. Now every time I ask a question I feel bad – I’m wondering who else is getting offended by me asking a question.
Over the course of our year at Bible School I had other people come to me the same way to confess their offense and ask my forgiveness. Every time it made things worse. Through this experience I learned how not to handle offense.
If someone is rubbing you the wrong way, if they are “offending” you, it’s not their problem – it’s yours. Sure, if their behaviour is sinful, illegal or hurting people then it needs to be addressed. However, if it’s their style, personality, or some idiosyncrasy that gets under your skin then you need to apply some Grace Grease.
Take your “offense” to the Lord and ask Him to forgive you for your lack of grace. Ask Him to help you to have grace and love for the person rubbing you the wrong way. Then choose to put on some Grace Grease toward that person so the friction you feel slips right off. Have grace for them. Love them “in-spite of” their uniqueness.
Then, put your grace and love in action and do something to bless them. Give them a card or a gift, or invite them out for coffee – put legs to your decision to have grace for them. Show some practical love.
Don’t confess your offense to the person – that will make things worse. Believe me, I have lots of experience with this.
For example, was it wrong for me to ask questions in class? No. Did I ask too many? Perhaps. If it was a distraction then the teacher can address it, or a fellow student could simply chat with me after class and lovingly share their concern. Have the conversation before it becomes an offense.
If you are harbouring an offense toward someone, I suggest you confess your offense to the Lord. Then, put on some Grace Grease toward that person and do something practical to demonstrate your love for them.
Grace Grease beats offense every time. Nine times out of ten it’s your problem, not theirs.
Colossians 3:12-14
“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.”
Proverbs 19:11
“A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense.”
Proverbs 17:9
“Whoever would foster love covers over an offense, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends.”
Hebrews 12:15
“See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.”