I was wrecked. I was broken. I was feeling incredibly overwhelmed by what was going on. This would be a defining season in my life.

The Lord was, mercifully, helping me to see the sin in my heart. Perhaps I should say, “forcing” me to see the sin in my heart. Before this I thought I was a pretty good guy. In fact, truth be told I thought I was a pretty awesome guy. To take honesty a few steps deeper, I basically figured that God was lucky to have me on His team.

Ouch, that hurts to say, even close to 25 years later. However, if I am truly honest, that was what I thought in the depths of my heart. And there was even more grotesque sin buried deep in my being…

The Lord had me in an intense time of refining. I was in the crucible. The man I thought I was, I really wasn’t. God in His mercy was revealing to me the depths of my depravity so He could transform me by His amazing grace.

It felt like His hand was on the back of my head and He was forcing me to take a long hard look in the mirror to see the ugliness of my sin. I was desperately struggling to look away, but He was forcing me to look at myself through new eyes: through the eyes of a humble, broken and surrendered man.

At one point I was walking around our neighborhood late one night weeping in despair. One of my close friends happened to drive by. He stopped and asked what was up. I tearfully shared that I was seeing what a horrible person I was at my core. He listened, then glibly stated that God has known that all along, and He was now simply letting me see it.

He drove off…

I was angry with him, but he was right. This was no surprise to God. He was showing me so I could get free. He was showing me so He could rewire my heart and grant me new birth by His grace.

So what was the depth of my depravity I was seeing? I was selfish, I was self-centered. I was arrogant. I used my gifts to manipulate people to say what I wanted them to say and do what I wanted them to say. I fed on the approval and approbation of people. I needed to be lauded. I needed to be noticed. I needed to be worshiped. I went to people to meet my needs, not God.

And, nothing and no one was ever good enough. Those closest to me felt my disapproval – particularly Anne. I was trying to prove my value and worth through my performance, but my performance never measured up. Anne never measured up. I was slowly killing her and her heart was dead to me. Sure, I loved God and loved Anne, but I was blind to my own sin – the impact of my sin.

I was a master of self-deception. I saw myself as being an awesome guy that was often misunderstood. What’s wrong with these people? Don’t they get it? Don’t they get me?

“Don’t kid yourself. You are way more messed up than you realize. You are in desperate need of God’s redeeming grace – and you are blind to it.”

This was the message God was giving me as He turned up the heat of His refining fires.

Here is my message to you: Don’t kid yourself – all of us are way more messed up than we realize. We are in desperate need of God’s redeeming grace. Others may be pointing out things in you that make you angry. You may feel offended and hurt. However, they may see your blind spots – you can’t see them, but they can.

God often uses imperfect people to point out the darkness in our hearts. Don’t kid yourself, there is often more going on than you realize.

Choose humility. Go to God and pray Bartimaeus’s prayer, “Jesus, son of David, have mercy on me – I am a blind man!” Be ruthlessly honest with yourself, and with someone you trust. Then get the help you need.

Don’t kid yourself.

Isaiah 48: 10, 11

“See, I have refined you, though not as silver; I have tested you in the furnace of affliction. For my own sake, for my own sake, I do this. How can I let myself be defamed? I will not yield my glory to another.”

Psalm 51:6, 16-17 (The Message)

Psalm 32:3-5