I got some great advice a number of years ago,
“Dave, Anne is not a problem to be solved, she is a mystery to be delighted in.”
Chew on that for little while…not a problem to be solved, a mystery to be delighted in… If every man could just understand that, we would be way ahead of the game – and I think women would be as well.
Men are oftentimes fixers. We like to fix things. Sometimes we even like to fix thing that aren’t broken, and that’s how we can actually make something good even better. We like to tinker as well. Nothing is really wrong with whatever the piece of equipment or machinery we have, but we just want to do a little tinkering. I tinker with my boat – I call it my “tinker time”. It’s therapy.
This ability to fix things and to tinker is great when applied to things, but not so great when it’s applied to our spouses. I have discovered Anne does not want to be fixed, she wants to be listened to, to be heard, to be enjoyed regardless of what she may be experiencing. She doesn’t want my solutions, she wants my heart.
And, she doesn’t want to have to give me reasons for everything. I will often ask her what her thoughts are on a certain topic, or issue we need to address. She will give me her perspective. Then, in an attempt to understand why she sees things that way I will ask, “Why do you think that?”
This is where the problems begin…
No matter how clearly she thinks she is answering me, it’s not quite what I need to understand her. There often seems to be “mystery” surrounding her reason. I have not yet learned very well how to simply enjoy the mystery. I keep pushing for more clarity and… well, let’s just say that Anne doesn’t appreciate that.
As we know, females are created in the image of God. As are men, but females bear the image of God uniquely from men. There is a beauty, a tenderness, a strength, a vulnerability, a desire to nurture and nourish, a desire to be pursued, and a mystery women carry as part of the image of God that is very different from men.
Scripture tells us that it is the glory of God to conceal a matter and the glory of kings to seek it out. No one can deny that God is mysterious. He cannot be understood entirely. All we know about Him is what He has chosen to reveal to us. He is infinite. If we are truly to know God, we must be content with mystery.
Similarly with women, if we are to truly know our spouse, we must be content with mystery. We must be willing to put aside our desire to understand, order, fix and align, and replace it with a desire to pursue, discover and delight in. Scripture tells us that God wants us to pursue Him – He is worth our wholehearted efforts. He is a wonderful mystery to be explored and delighted in.
Your wife bears this same aspect of the image of God: she wants to be pursued; she wants your wholehearted effort to discover and delight in the mystery that she is. She wants to be heard, more than to be understood. She wants your empathy, not your strategy. She wants your delight, not your disappointment. She wants your companionship, your fellowship, your partnership, your courtship and your servant leadership, not your ownership and your dictatorship.
Solomon, the wisest man who ever lived, said there are a few things he simply couldn’t understand, and one of them was the “way of a man with a maiden”. I’m pretty sure he was not talking about the male side of that equation, but the mystery of the profound and powerful effect a woman has on a man.
In order to truly know and delight in God we must become comfortable with mystery. Likewise with women, you will not truly know and delight in your wife if you do not become comfortable with her mysterious ways.
As Bono said, “She moves in mysterious ways.”
Genesis 1:27
“So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.”
Proverbs 30:18, 19
“There are three things that are too amazing for me, four that I do not understand: the way of an eagle in the sky, the way of a snake on a rock, the way of a ship on the high seas, and the way of a man with a young woman.”
Proverbs 25:2
“It is the glory of God to conceal a matter; to search out a matter is the glory of kings.”
Jeremiah 29:13
“You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.”